I’ll start this post, with the lyrics of the song that inspired me to choose it’s title as the title of this post you’re reading. From Australian pop godess Delta Goodrem‘s single “Dancing With a Broken Heart”:
I won’t look back tonight,
This is the time of my life,
Underneath these stars,
I’m dancing with a broken heart.
Fight fire with fire,
The truth to a liar,
I’m going higher,
I’m Dancing with a broken heart.
This time, I’m going to candidly talk about my relatively unexistant love life, and being 22, not-so-openly gay and living in a society that easily rejects people like me, well, haivng a double life seems like a possible solution while still sharing the same roof as my mom and dad. Folks, I’m a really complex and complicated person, sometimes I even thing that I’m way too complicated myself.
Yes, that’s one of the many things being an only child has meant to me, always being me and on my own. This in a way, my parents, both of them, have a bit of guilt in this. There are moments where I’m desperate and wanting to be with people, but there are others where I just don’t want to see or talk to absolutely anybody. Sucks, I also think that everyone, no matter if they deal with mental issues or not, goes through those kind of days too. This eternally on my own feeling has translated into the next topic.
I am NOT. Some of my friends, they seem to have issues that I’m not 100% the stereotyped gay male that here in the Dominican Republic we’re all used to see. I’m just simply not, and for some of my friends they get it, but dude. Seriously? Because of me being not 100% like the standard gay male, alhtough I have many mannerisms, one of my girlfriends has told me a few times the following line: “Why don’t you start being like Caitlyn Jenner?” and I’m just like: “Look bitch, I have NOTHING against transgender people and I think it’s really INSULTING that you come up with such bullshit comments! Okay?”, it did piss me off a lot, but what else could I say?
And sometimes I’m just like “Wait, you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? That’s so cool!“, at times I mean it, at most I’m just being a sarcastic little bitch. In my case that’s just NEVER happened. Yes, I’ve had intimacy with other guys, but I’ve never had that level of connection or intimacy, it’s beyond and way more complicated than just having somehting sexual.
I’ve always had issues on attempting to form any kind of relationship that involves more than just friend-level status, it’s always been really complicated for me as I’ve always been pretty insecure of myself and how I look and such things. I must admit, that I’ve had my fair share of dalliances over the years, especially during my college years I had quite a few, but I’ve nver been in that situation (of dating-being in a relationship with someone) in my so far young life.
I’ve been intimate up to a certain level with other guys, I’ve never been penetrated on my behind just yet, but yes, I’ve had my fair share of intimacy with fellow homosexual males. BUT, I do still have issues on intimacy. Sounds weird I know, but I’ve always felt extremely uncertain on how will I end up peforming with him in the sack. I know it may sound silly for many of you, but as an insecure person like me, there will always be difficulties in any unplanned sexual encounters, and well, overall the sexual department is lackluster when it comes to this guy right here.
This is just annoying as fuck. I’m currently focused on making money, and see what I will actually do with my life, not worrying on bitches, dick, and such things. I’m just NOT fully interested on dating someone at this moment, although, in my deep soul I really DO want to be with someone, but right now, I need some professional attention. I just feel that my mind comes and goes way to fucking often and it’s stressing, annoying, worrying and such details.
Right now, I just NOT MY TIME to be focused on dating someone. I do have an idea of what kind of guys I see myself forming one stable bond with, but right now, I just tend to focus on work and trying to get out of my deep self-built black depressive hole. I really need help, and I’m just not knowing where to go to get it.
You guys may have NO idea what being LGBTQI really is in any Latinamerican country, there are moments where all you want to do is get the first flight to any freaking country where same-sex marriage is legal and just leave. And lately, at many times, that idea just keeps coming and coming, my last resource of trying to look for my real happiness being my authentic self is leaving the world I know and see if elsewhere, far away from everything and the life I used to have, I may find tit. Who knows?
In the end, I’ll just keep dancing through life with my broken heart.